Wow..it's been 4 years (nearly) since my last post. And reflecting back on what I wrote then, nearly all of it has come to blossom now. That love that wrapped me up to warmly and gently put all my broken pieces back together has now become my husband. This year we celebrate 5 years together and our first wedding anniversary. It's amazing how life opens it's arms to you when you decide to stop holding your breath. I have never been happier. Everyday I find reasons to believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be in my life, and now will only be able to find new adventures to make because there is hardly a way to improve the place that I've gotten to. My husband is an amazing man, and I am so lucky to be able to call him mine. He makes everyday so much fun. He is my support in everything that I do, and I no longer worry about things because I know with him by my side anything that happens is meant, and it will always work out how we need it to. We have endured so much together, and I am loving this journey through life that we are on together.
I am a step mom now. Step parenting has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done. I don't think I've ever felt so much like I'm screwing things up daily than I do when I am engaging with my daughter. I know that the things I teach her now, or how I treat her now that she is a preteen will effect how she engages in life long after she's grown. I worry about my actions and my reactions constantly, and I worry that everything I do is going to have some sort of impact on her life. I am learning that she is at a point where she is going to be making her own decisions and I can only guide her in them. She makes much better choices when I give her choices instead of when I tell her how to do something. She is growing up to be such a great woman. It is hard having to combat the way her mother wants to raise her with the way that my husband and I do, but I am learning to trust her judgement more.
Learning lessons is hard, not just for her but for me as well. I want to cushion her fall and be there to catch her and kiss her tears away with everything that happens, but I also know that being her crutch isn't going to help her in life. Too many kids her age expect things to be done for them, and expect people to take care of them instead of knowing how to stand on their own two feet.
When she screws up, it's hard just to let her fall or to discipline her. I never knew how hard it hurts to discipline a child until I loved one! It is heart breaking! Once I came to this realization, I apologized to my mother. I never looked at it from the other person's perspective. Now that I have, I feel much more compassion for my own mother.
Hopefully within the next few months to a year I will be birthing a child of my own. We have yet to conceive, however it's not for lack of practice. :) When it is meant, it will happen. I know that I must trust in my husband and our relationship and trust that my body knows what it is doing and what is best. Now is the time to take care of my body, work on healing the things that I have neglected in the last decade and to nuture my family. Family first in everything, and my marriage above all else. It's been an amazing ride and I am loving every minute of it.
